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Youth Sports Expert Advice | How do I help my daughter deal with her first cut?

Positive Coaching Alliance Each week, we ask fans of Responsible Sports "What Would You Do?" in response to our weekly Responsible Sports Scenario Question. And many of you write in with scenario questions of your own! So we've asked Tina Syer, Associate Director at Positive Coaching Alliance, to answer one of your suggested questions each week.

Posted on July 16, 2010: How do I help my daughter deal with her first cut?

A Responsible Sports Fan suggested the following Scenario Question:

Your 8-year old daughter tried out for her soccer club's travel team. She did not make the cut. She is still very welcome to play in house rec. However, she has reached an age where she realizes her recent rejection means that on some level she is not as good of a soccer player as she thought she was. She scored plenty of goals last season and so does not understand (although as an adult you do see the areas that she needs to improve on). She asks "Why was I not good enough for the team?" How do you reply without impacting her negatively?

Dear Melanie,

Did the coaches who made the selection for this travel club soccer team give your daughter any explanation when she was informed she did not make the team? I realize your daughter is asking you for an explanation, but the people in the best position to give her this information are the coaches.

Being only eight years old, your daughter has plenty of time to improve her game, and by asking these coaches for specific feedback, she is showing that she is the kind of person/player who wants to work to improve her game (and signaling to these coaches that they’ll see her at tryouts again next year).

Being only eight years old, your daughter has plenty of time to improve her game, and by asking these coaches for specific feedback, she is showing that she is the kind of person/player who wants to work to improve her game (and signaling to these coaches that they’ll see her at tryouts again next year).

This sort of resilient attitude can help her in all facets of her life now and forever. The fact that she is asking you, “Why was I not good enough to make the team?” is a lot better than sulking and announcing that she is done playing soccer.

Support your daughter to get the feedback from the coaches that she deserves and then, when she puts in the time and effort to improve in these areas, let her know that you see her hard work and progress. What appears to her as a major set back this season may actually cause her to reach even higher levels of play in the future, even though that can be hard to see now.

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Tina Syer Ask the Expert
Tina Syer is the Associate Director of Positive Coaching Alliance, a nonprofit founded in the Stanford University Athletic Department.  Tina played Division I field hockey at Stanford University, where she graduated with honors in psychology and was named an Academic All-American. 

Her nine years of work for PCA have included keynote presentations for national organizations such as US Lacrosse, USA Water Polo and Special Olympics, more than 250 PCA workshop presentations, and production of multimedia products featuring PCA's National Spokesperson, Phil Jackson.  Tina's coaching experience includes seasons at the high school, college and Olympic Development levels.

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